Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
