broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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