I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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