so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
