A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
