I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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