I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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