First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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