I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
