i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
