My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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