My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
