I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
If I die, sorry about rent.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
