Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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