saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
