woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
why is half of my head shaved?
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