It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
