I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
