a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
where are my eyebrows?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
