I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
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The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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