I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
this hospital has no fireball
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
