My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
