Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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