you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Shame - the story of my life.
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