One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
