that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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