when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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