he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
