My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
