there was a trapeze. enough said
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
