I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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