Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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