there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
