So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
