I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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