We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
