I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
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do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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