her vagina looked like bernie madoff
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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