It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
