sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
