This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
