You really coming over, don't trick.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
