He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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