Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
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Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
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I AM VODKA MAN
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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