I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
