Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
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I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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