no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
