My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
