My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
