If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
