I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
