my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I fill condoms, not promises.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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