so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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