There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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