Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
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theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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