Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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