I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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