i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
