My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
